"a woman who's financially secure"

Posted by merm (75 days ago)

How acceptable is it for a man to write this in an ad or in a reply to an ad that doesn't mention money at all?

If women write this sort of thing, they'd associated with gold-diggers fairly quickly.

Is it out of safety that expat men in Asia do this??

(I am based in Hong Kong)

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Posted by tigerbay (75 days ago)

You will look a bit of a pleb IMHO

You will also send out the wrong signals to financially secure women.

You can look at the people who contact you and get to know them first. And judge how secure they are.

Also rember that people bend the truth, and some are even out and out liers.

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (74 days ago)

I dont think its totally unacceptable for a guy, in ASIA, to post that on his ad. I think its the most polite way of saying "If you are a woman, jobless or earning close to squat, kindly do not reply to my ad as I dont want to be footing your bills and debt".

Is there anything wrong in saying that?

For a woman, globally, to look for a man who is financially secure, I would assume they mean the same "no jobless fops need reply" or "if you are saddled with debt, look elsewhere".

Of course, if you think, merm, that it means "I am a gold digger" then maybe your life experience has had you fighting that stereotype, which is common in Asia. Or, you have ended up with a golddigging fop of an ex bf who makes you feel indignant everytime you come across something that may even remotely refer to women (because you dont want to just say its your negative reverse-life experience) as gold diggers.

I wouldnt read too much into it. I have posted "financially secure" on my ads...just so I could weed out the 19 year olds who work in KFC. Who cares if you look like a plebe, the point of a personals ad is to find someone who personally appeals to you and you to them. If you find the wording of his ad distasteful, dont reply.

Not everyone is born to write...just bare that in mind. At least he knows what he wants and isnt faffing about with giving false hope and then ignoring girls who still live with their mothers and are jobless as....

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by enoughalready (73 days ago)

I think I know the ad to which you are referring. My interpretation, upon reading it, was "gold diggers need not apply", NOT that the person placing the ad is looking for money.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by foxmulder (73 days ago)

I agree with asiaxpat - "financially secure" means "no golddiggers, please". Only been in hk six months and have encountered far too many GD's who are more interested in my watch, car and income than my charm, wit and personality (if I had any, that is). (Just go to Beijing on a Saturday night) So, a woman who is "financially secure" might be a better proposition. If, of course, she isn't a GD anyway....That said, it isn't fair to suggest that women who are not "financially independent" are, per se, gold-diggers. Just need to sift out the GD's from the rest - rich or poor.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by flashback (73 days ago)

As JC above says... if you have a problem with this statement, then don't apply! I can't see any problem with someone who wants to make it clear he/she wants an equal. If you read the women wanting men ads you would be quite horrified at what many write... I wonder who in their right mind would reply to someone who says she wants to get married and will only consider a man who's very wealthy etc. etc. I mean... and that's just the ad!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by mangotango (73 days ago)

Well out of curiosity I went to check out the women wanting men section, after reading at least 4 pages of ads I discovered no one, NO ONE, asks to meet a wealthy man in their ad. Another interesting thing is a woman's describing herself as an English expat though she was born and raised locally - imagine, an expat local girl... or is it a local expat girl? What's the definition of an expat again?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by merm (72 days ago)

flashback, i think many know which ad that is but of course that is a joke and not a serious ad! I quite enjoy reading it from time to time.

FYI, it was a reply to my ad. It's disappointing money is such a big issue in hk. Those who claim to have some, which is always relative, try to impress you before they know anything about you or warn you you won't be getting any. Dating elsewhere was so much more fun.

mango, a hk born english girl then, there are some of them.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by flashback (72 days ago)

There's no 'one' ad I am referring to. So many write such stuff that it is hard to keep tabs on. What difference does it make whether he put it in an ad, or in a reply to an ad? It's still his feelings. You're missing the point. This is not about money. It is about finding someone who has the wherewithal to take charge of their own life, and separating out the ones who aren't really looking for a relationship but a retirement plan. The capacity to feel competent in managing one's life on one's own is a well known marker of self-esteem. People who have achieved that generally also have many other desirable characteristics such as resilience, resourcefulness etc... And of course, once the issue of money is out of the way, then you can focus on whether you're actually compatible.


I don't think dating here is any different than elsewhere on that point. It's the mode that is the issue. If you meet someone in a social or work context, then most of the time it's pretty obvious what their means and situation is. It's only the cyberworld where this really comes up because people don't have a context to put the other person against to know who they are relating to. I've never been asked such a question except on the Internet, where it is common.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by enoughalready (72 days ago)

This question about placing monetary restrictions in a personal ad is really perplexing. I am recently divorced and thinking about using the internet as a way to meet people. The part I keep waivering on is the money issue.

I grew up in the U.S. in absolute poverty. My family sometimes couldn't afford food. I started working at 13 and have never stopped. I worked three jobs at times, got good grades and managed to slowly put myself through university and graduate school. Not to pat myself on the back, but now I am wealthy to the point it makes me laugh in disbelief. (And NOT because of my past husband.)

I would like to date an equal, not necessarily from the monetary sense, but someone who knows what it is like to work their fingers to the bone and succeed. But if I tell my story, I will be inundated with G-diggers. (Or worse yet, trust fund babies who have never worked a day in their lives!!) And frankly, the guys I've dated who don't have money, but may be successful in other ways, have been extremely intimidated once they learned about my wealth. This in spite of the fact that I don't care about how big their bank accounts are!

The rational thing to say would be I'm looking for a successful, self-made man. But if I say that, I sound like a G-digger. I tell you, it's a tough one. So far, no ad from me.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by mangotango (72 days ago)

Enoughalready, I think you just successfully put up a good ad. BTW, you are the OP of the thread about whether your husband was cheating on you? So you have divorced him?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by flashback (69 days ago)

I don't object to people writing whatever they want in a personal ad. Actually, it really helps to sort them out when people say exactly what they think and don't hide behind a bland or superficial blurb. Generally, what they write usually ELIMINATES them! I mean, someone who writes that he wants a woman who's "beautiful on the inside as well as the outside"... or who's "comfortable in jeans or a cocktail dress"... Puke... I don't think people should feel disappointed if the person whose profile pic you like, or who you thought you could click with, turns out to be someone whose values, expectations don't mesh with your own.

What are you gonna do about that? Hate them for being who they are? Or not what you want? This whole process is about finding someone who is suitable FOR YOU. If anything whatsoever offends you, don't reply, or call it quits - that's reality check. If you feel uncomfortable mentioning your financial status before you meet someone, don't. (BTW I wouldn't mention it, either, but again, those who do, have every right to say what they want and see if it attracts people who match their expectation - maybe it won't!)

I think you should write something that reflects your personality (not so much a checklist), or the sort of relationship you are looking for, and see if that gels with someone. Afterall, you don't want an army to reply to you, just the one who is suited to you.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by tulipped (68 days ago)

Merm,
Rather than writing "financially secure" in your ads might be misconstrued by some women as being an ad from a boy toy gigolo-type (or even a total tight wad), why not just say something like "financially stable" or "has her act together financially" or even "seeking woman who has her life, relationships and finances in order" etc. which is probably much more to your intended point.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by wendy7 (62 days ago)

No, nothing wrong.....have a look at one of my previous posts. Lots of insights. all the best. Wendy

http://hongkong.asiaxpat.com/forums/marriage-relationships/threads/112085/she-as-it-all.-he-has,-erm....very-little.../

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by flashback (62 days ago)

Wow... that's some financially crippled dude, Wendy! Of course he would have behavioural problems as well... recklessness with money doesn't occur in a vacuum. You were so right to dump him. I began to shiver when you wrote how he spoke of 'our car', 'our house' etc.... and the ease with which he slotted himself into your life, sans invitation... Alarm bells! Not surprised he wanted to work with OTHER PEOPLE'S money as a 'financial planner'... LOL...

Yes, one can be crippled by taking on a person who not only doesn't have money, but who has spent what he/she doesn't have.... I would not be able to respect such a person, and would always be concerned about their motivations in the relationship. It's a wise decision not to jeopardise your life for a wasteral like this. Though of course, one wouldn't suggest going for a man simply because he has money, but it's comforting to know your partner doesn't need yours, and is not in the relationship for that.

(I am based in Hong Kong)