office relationships

Posted by balzac (513 days ago)

Scenario- You have a junior colleague who irritates the hell out of everyone personalitywise and occasionally workwise (and she doesn't seem to be aware of the problem)

The end result- she tends to get left out of office banter and conversation and afterwork activities.

But people are cordial to her when they speak to her, just that they dont engage in activities or conversation with her if it is not necessary.(because they find her irritating)

Technically I would think that it is a form of unconscious bullying of the 'annoying' girl. i.e she is being treated like the kid in school who no one wants to play with.

Well, to make matters worse, the girl once false accused a colleague of sabotaging her, i.e both did not want to go to an informal dinner where a VIP was going to attend. Then last minute, the colleague changed her mind and decided to go and annoying girl found out by accident that she changed her mind, when she overheard a conversation. The annoying girl, who is not close to that colleague threw a hissy fit, claiming that she had been sabotaged, that she was the only one not going, and it was purposely made to look like she was the only one who did not make the time to attend the dinner. (!!)

OK so this is going on in our office and that 1st incident was half a year ago. Needless to say all of us aren't inclined to be best friends with her but we keep the bitching to a minimum and especially, do not talk about our annoyances to our boss and other senior colleagues.

Today, another stupid incident happened during lunch time. I think she felt that we had forgotten about her or left her behind (I still dont know) because we had all walked to the cafeteria together and after we ordered, we sat down together. After 15 mins we realised she was not with us and wondered if she sat elsewhere waiting for us or lost her way. It is puzzling and stressful trying to guess 'what did we do wrong this time'.

Anyway when we came back to the office, she was back at her desk. I casually asked, Hey what happened to you? She got up, stormed out of the office petulantly.

Later we overheard her complaining to a senior male colleague that she was being discriminated.

We've tried being nice to her, but it is just not easy. We feel bad as we've tried to like her but it is really an uphill task.

Her unreasonable outburst and childish way of dealing with her colleagues in the past and today also made things worse.

Please tell me your views on this matter.I'm not asking who is right of wrong here but what would you do if you had to work closely with someone you find highly annoying? (and you're not the only who thinks so)

(I am based in Singapore)

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Posted by jwm (513 days ago)

It sounds like normal office politics. You will never like everyone you work with and noone expects you to. If you don't like somebody, fine, be polite and respectful and it's as simple as that. Don't react to her banter and she will change her ways or find another job.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by happyguyer (512 days ago)

ignore her. She'll find another job or be fired for her unprofessional behavior.

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by flashback (512 days ago)

Humans 'train' other humans in a host of ways. One way is to ignore and exclude insensitive or inappropriate others. It's classic group behaviour, and usually it works. The ignored ones either, as happyguyer say, go into denial and blame the others and or leave, or else - the more mature of us - consider our behaviour and try to adjust it to avoid creating offence.

This girl is young and in denial about her effect on others. The older colleagues realise this and are giving her space to grow, without being confrontational or destructive. It's a form of control, but not bullying, serving to help the novice know the boundaries of a situation. Hopefully, the girl will eventually adjust. If more intervention is required it could come at a performance review, or through a word from her direct supervisor, helping her to see what is happening, and what she can do to improve her behaviour and also work satisfaction.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by balzac (512 days ago)

hi-

well, she's not THAT young. perhaps she has been really sheltered, but she's only 1 year younger (and I'm the oldest of female colleagues)

I spoke to my senior colleague who counseled her yesterday. He told me that yes, she was angry because she felt that we had 'abandoned' her at the cafeteria and that it was discrimination. To me, this suggests that she thinks it's planned. The senior colleague and another senior guy from another dept was also with us at lunch yesterday. I guess logical thinking does not apply.

The cafeteria isnt that large, but it is L-shaped. We usually sit at the bottom part of the L shape but once in a while (5% of the time), when the cafeteria is full, we have no choice but to sit on the opposite end of the cafeteria, near the entrance. This happened again yesterday. I guess years of university education does not teach one to look beyond the usual sitting place. Everyone else found their way to the same table, she didnt. And we kept a lookout for her and even called her mobile phone after she didnt show up.

What irritates me is, after the counseling yesterday by our senior colleague, she is still unrepentant. I think she basks in the " I am the Victim, the Martyr situation".

I'm trying not to think about what happened yesterday.But she is my (shared) assistant and I have to work with her half the time. I guess I can't expect her to grow up suddenly but this is the second time she's had this childish outburst in front of everyone. The rest of us decided not to talk to her from now on, only if we need to. i.e about work (cordially of course) but no more small talk or trying to be nice to her.

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by flashback (512 days ago)

You're under no obligation to do anything more than what you're doing Balzac. She may not be young, but she clearly has an emotional developmental problem.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by eyai (512 days ago)

If she is already difficult to deal with as a subordinate, can you and the others imagine what it would be like if she is your BOSS? What if she became your boss??

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by masked_admirer (512 days ago)

flashback, i always find your posts v. well-reasoned and clued-in when it comes to human behavioural dynamics (and full of impressive terminology!). just curious, do you work in the HR/HR-related field?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by happyguyer (511 days ago)

balzac, what is the "discrimination"??? against the emotionally challenged? Her behavior about missing a lunch with the group is really pathetic. At my lawfirm, such behavior would not be tolerated. What about her bosses? what do they say or do? They're the ones really falling down on the job! They should take her aside privately and admonish her that such unprofessional behavior and/or outbursts will not be tolerated. They can assure her that she is not being singled out for anything, but can certainly explain the obvious to her, which is that other colleagues will exclude her if they think they will be associated to her behavior or if they don't want to deal with such a childish person. If I (or anyone else at my office) missed a lunch with a group, at the MOST, we might crack a joke about being left behind, and then forget about it.

(I am based in Shanghai)